Right. Anger, anger go away, confusion and delusion come this way!
It's really strange, the things life throws at you. Just when you think you've sorted yourself out, you're happy and comfortable - maybe a little lonely, but in a nice safe place nevertheless - something comes and pulls the rug from right under you. Short, intense and a bit scarily life changing. The mountains have always done this to me. They make my brain shut up (sadly enough, though, the verbal diarrhea still refuses to go away :-P) and open up my mind to truths and possibilities that were always staring me in the face. All my problems seem too small, and the big city life stops making a lot of sense. All the meaningless traffic, the material dreams, the scrambling for a saving, for a house, a car, for work, it all just seems like noise. Those awesome mountains are so damned huge that you yourself feel just a little insignificant. Small, like an ant or a termite.
In fact, your mortality itself is challenged - we're here for, what, 80, 90 years? The mountains barely move an inch in that time. Eons, millenia, ages pass before they change. It's like humans are desperately trying to soak up whatever they can in their brief visit, fuck things up in the best possible way that they can, and then fizzle out like a fart. Feh. All meaningless.
And the delusion? Your mind is opened up, and you perceive things you would have normally been blind to. It's what some people tripping on LSD describe their experience as - enlightening. You really don't need any drugs though - the mountains do it for you! But can you really trust these newly freed tendrils of perception? You look at something, and you know, deep down inside, what it is. But on the surface, as humans, we've built some pretty darned strong walls. And then there's circumstance. But what if you're just delusional? What if it's all in your head? What if the doctor was right all along - it's just another strain of schizophrenia waiting to be smashed by the many chemicals of modern medicine!
When doubt creeps into your mind, it's always bound to make you question everything. Trust becomes a very difficult beast to embrace. Because when you trust, then it's like placing a big bet on a poker table - at least on a poker table you know the odds! More like throwing dice - you never know, really, which sides will turn up. And when you get a shit throw, time after time, then it becomes a little difficult to place those bets with childlike innocence. Mostly, as a whole, my misanthropic instincts are right. People shouldn't be trusted, in fact, most of them don't deserve to be trusted. I've got a few of my good folks, though - those who I would trust with my life, blindly, like a lot of men trust their gods. But this? Confusion, disorientation, possibly delusion and definitely no solution!
What to do? To trust, be honest? Or play their many games... *sigh* And here I thought that I had it all figured out. Nothing like a slap in the face from good ol' life to bring back a dose of that humility!
Time to place your bets! And hope that the dice come up with their 6 dotted smile - maybe the world isn't so bad after all. One can only hope...
