Year End, Early Morning, Sleep Deprived Musings

It's ironic that once I became truly financially  independent, and starting living alone, I couldn't rely on just indie music alone to pay the bills. It's like a nice break from work now, when an indie gig, tour, festival or album comes along. Despite not holding a traditional job, I suddenly find myself as close to a job since RSJ: with a boss, colleagues, an annoying accounts department that keeps fucking up and what not. It's not too bad though: the colleagues are great, I've met an amazing mentor who has helped me become a better human being, the boss is approachable and I'd like to think that the experience of working with A grade artists has honed my skill set to a point where the indie stuff is sounding better and we have better access to gear for shows and recordings. It's also opened up a completely different world for me and that's always exciting. Nothing quite like new fields to raze! Here's to a fantastic year ahead, some free time and after far too long, some music from this grumpy,  aging cunt. Happy holidays everyone :)

Abuse and the abused.

How do you explain a cloud descending upon your consciousness? The edges get dull and your brain adapts, ignoring the existence of another way. Your hand moves slowly, reaction is not as swift as it once was and thought retreats upon itself. Perspective blurred. You know something is wrong but you can't quite put a finger on it, your own subconscious sparing you the pain of remembrance. And then, the proverbial eye test. She slips on the new glasses, your world explodes. Just like that. Focus. Sharp. Like a free HD upgrade. You take a deep breath; suddenly you remember. As the world tilts and shifts and lists, your feet move of their own accord. You never lose balance. And just like that, you're back. The haze is gone, the periphery widens, the edges are sharp once again. With a sneer you swear, never again will you let yourself sink so deep. 

Until next time of course. 

Fortress of regrets

"What can change the nature of a man?"

Years ago, I'd played a beautiful cRPG named Planescape: Torment. It is still, till date, one of the most amazing stories I've experienced and one of the most influential pieces of art I've come across. The crux of the game was this question, and the answer, was YOUR answer: it could be anything, and the choices were many. The important bit was that there was no wrong answer, and your answer, whatever it was, was the right one.

My answer is regret.

There is nothing as shaming as hitting rock bottom, looking back and seeing a melange of embarrassing instances unfold one after the other, getting more and more intense and out of control. Unchecked, unsupervised and most importantly, blissfully ignored. Seeing your own monster rear it's ugly head has never been as scary and soul scarring. You created it, fed it, nurtured it and ignored it's misdemeanours. Like every bad parent, you looked the other way and now it's here: savage, feral and rabid.

Time to put it down.

Apologies to everyone who has at some point or the other been subject to my obnoxious downward spiral and it's most recent, ugly manifestation. If everything works out, then it's gone. 

Thought

Purpose. The banishment of the lazies and the harbringer of change. iLike!

For A Better Day

You can make my head explode,
In a million different ways
As your reasons and your words
They melt away

Like a shining light she calls to me
A beacon from the depths
Her voice it floats
Promising deliverance

I stand upon the precipice
Waiting for someone
Who will hold my hand
Just before I jump

And as my glassy eyes they shine
With pain I realize
My folly Of, hope from a race
Doomed to fail

For all the reasons that you spew,
All your lies and all your filth
Why must you ask me to trust again?

And all the dying suns align again
For us to comprehend
All the visions we beheld
Before the end

Cycles and revisits lie
Like a blight upon the world
We are forced to make,
To be the fools again

Truth it still eludes us
While lies take precedence
It's much easier, to give in
To pretend

If only I knew you then as I do today
All the time that I have lost I'd hoard away
For a better day

Time: Rivers & Wheels

So it's been a while since I've ranted/vented out here in my very own little corner of teh interwebz. Mostly it's because there's really not much to vent about. With so much work on my plate, there's barely any time to think. In fact, I've taken to specifically taking time out, usually just before I go to sleep, to just sit and think. About anything. Mostly life. Taking notes. Fine tuning stuff I'm doing wrong, or at least stuff that I THINK I'm doing all wrong. Planning. Meandering. Musing. Moping. Whatever. Just alone time, no devices, no computers, no live boards, no bands, no people, no conversation, no reading. Just complete absolute solitude. No, it's not really meditating - I do a bit of that from time to time - but mostly just sitting down and doing absolutely NOTHING. It's VERY relaxing! Destresses me completely and I sleep like a baby. The dreams are still a little all over the place, but I think they're more fun than scary nowadays.


You know, it's when you get out of depression that you realize how stupid of you it was to get depressed in the first place. What is depression, really? It's a fairly serious matter, don't get me wrong. But - and here I'm strictly thinking out loud - it feels to me that it's mostly just giving importance to things in your life that aren't working out for you and getting flustered and frustrated with them. On a very personal level, depression is a state of mind. A choice. A lot of people and doctors will contradict me here, but it's ultimately a choice that you make. Sure, it's easier said than done, and some people might interpret the very thought of there being a choice as a form of escapism. But if you really just say to yourself - fuck it. I won't let this bother me. It's not really a big deal anyway, and there's ALWAYS a solution to most problems. Yes, they seem huge at first, but when you really zoom out you tend to realize how small they were to begin with. Probably because in your microscopic existence, all these little niggles that bother you are really so insignificant, that on a human to human level, empathy becomes a bit of a problem, and no one really truly understands you. Which is what makes it intriguing as well. But it does tend to get boring after a while. I believe it's time to get out of the "me" zone and get into the "alright people, shut up and see this" space!

On another note, whoever said "Money can't buy you happiness" obviously never bought

a) Fractal Audio Systems Axe FX II
b) Skyrim

The Axe FX II I've spoken about enough, but Skyrim was so all encompassing that if anyone asked me what I did for my New Year vacation, I'd reply, without blinking an eyelid, "Dungeon Crawling and Dragon Slaying in the ragged mountains of Skyrim. Destroying undead, assassinating kings (oops), becoming an arch mage, a master thief, an expert skulker and so much more!!!" As soon as I get more free time, more Skyrim shall happen!!

And on that note, good night folks! Sleep tight, dream good dreams and try and take control of them! Can be quite fun on the rare occasion that it does work!

Oh, and fuck you. C'mon, that just needed to be said. On general principle.

School & Highways

You know how you felt in school sometimes? How you believed in your naive inexperienced way, "this is it, it can't get any better or more intense"? Glad to know it's still possible to feel that way :-) Life has just begun all over again! Smell the fresh air, and plow ahead...

In other news, the Bacardi NH7 Weekender documentary is up! I'd love for you guys to see this - it was a beautiful experience for everyone involved, and I hope at least some of it sticks. Come over this year, I have a feeling it will be better. But nothing ever beats the first time. Ever.

http://nh7.in/indiecision/2011/11/02/watch-bacardi-nh7-weekender-2010-the-documentary/

Enjai!

Swim.

In a slate grey sea, worn driftwood floating like flecks,
In an abyss of forever, a maelstrom pulling at you
Near ivory coasts, through the golden trees,
Upon ruby dunes, flow nimble feet
And the promise of smiles, just beyond your reach...

Fat.

I will defeat you!

Can someone pass me the butter?

Season time!

Most of my work is season based. There's the completely dead summers. Then there's the ridiculously busy autumn and winters. I just looked at my calendar (I have REALLY bad memory! If I didn't have a smart phone I'd probably be one of those guys with a day planner!!) And its jam packed till December end. Now typically that's a good thing. It means that it'll be easier to pay back the loans for the crazy amount of gear whoring I've indulged in lately! It also means that my sexy vacation in the hills was probably the last breather ill have for a few months! Goddamn...

Loans are a bitch. Once these are done so am I with loans! They tie you down, and you're not free to act like an impulsive spoilt brat most of the times. On top of that all the money you earn just seems to disappear into oblivion. Bloody hell. I want to travel, to see the world, go for all the cool festivals, sit in the mountains just writing songs, experimenting with music or just walking aimlessly and I can't! Commitments. Screw them.

More whining later. Aforementioned work beckons!

Screw micro blogging. I want to use as many words as I want when I want to vent and nothing quite beats your own pin up board on teh interwebz!